Roy Mustang and the Bridge of Death
by RandomCheeses
Summary: Drabbles inspired by the fact that the bomb in CoS resembles the Holy Hand Grenade. Ch2. Roy has a new role and Hohenheim irritates the narrator.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. Or Monty Python. The following drabble came about because I watched Conqueror of Shamballa and thought the uranium bomb at the beginning had a striking resemblance to the holy hand grenade.

* * *

And it came to pass that in their quest, Roy Mustang and his brave knights came to the bridge of death and were approached by the man from scene twenty-four!

"If you wish to cross the bridge of death, you must answer me these questions three!"

"Alright. Go ahead."

"WHAT. . . is your name?"

"It is Roy Mustang, Flame Colonel of the Amestrians!"

"WHAT. . . is your quest?"

"I seek to become Fuhrer of Amestris!"

"WHAT. . . is the air speed velocity of a laden swallow?"

". . . Bugger off before I roast you alive."

*sniff* "Well there's no need to be like that, a man's gotta do 'is job you know. A good job's hard to come by in a recession. I'm gonna report you to the union, I am!"

"Bloody peasant!" *SNAP*

* * *

Should I continue?


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or Monty Python. And I am probably going to go to hell for these drabbles. Alright, so this particular one isn't a drabble. So sue me.

* * *

And so it came to pass that Edward Elric, FullMetal Alchemist of the Amestrians (and possibly Xerxians too, but they're all dead so who cares-

_I_ _do!_

**Shut up Hohenheim.**

_Ahem, _anyway, it came to pass that Edward Elric and his brave knights continued on their quest to find the philosopher's stone. They travelled over hill and over dale. Over beaches and lakes, over mountains and valleys, over-

_"GET ON WITH IT!"_

**Excuse me? Who said that? **

_"I did! Now get on with it!"_

**Oh. It's you. Shut up Hohenheim. I'm the narrator. I can wax lyrical if I like. **

_No you can't! _

**Shut up!**

"Get on with it!" added half a dozen other voices.

"Please?" someone added politely.

The (highly talented, intelligent, beautiful and modest) narrator turned her gaze towards the last person to have spoken.

**Hi Al! **

"Hi. Could you, um, speed things up a little please?"

**Of course Al. No problem, since you asked me so nicely, **the narrator replied, glaring pointedly at the rest of Ed's entourage, who shuffled the feet guiltily but glared back, except for Sir Fuery the Timid, who elected to stare at his shoes instead. Anyway, moving on.

Ed (who shall now be referred to as King Ed, seeing as he's bothered to wear the crown and the chainmail and white cloth crusader getup, well done Ed,) and his knights were travelling far and wide, searching tirelessly for the Holy G- I mean, the philosopher's stone- when they suddenly arrived halfway up some random mountain.

Suddenly a strangely dressed man (who quite bizarrely had a couple of ram horns glued to the sides of his head for reasons unknown) entered their field of vision and began causing explosions, simply by pointing randomly. King Ed and his knights approached cautiously.

"Ahem," said King Ed, "what manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?"

"_I _. . . am the Flame Alch-, er I mean an enchanter!" the horn headed man declared in a rather bizarre accent. The knights thought that he somehow looked suspiciously familiar.

"By what name are you known?" enquired King Ed.

"There are some who call me. . . Roy!"

"Wait a minute," said Sir Breda the Fat, "weren't you doing the King Arthur role in the last scene? Why does Ed suddenly get to wear the crown?And what's with the bizarre caledonian accent? Er. . . O Great Enchanter Roy," he added at the last minute, belatedly remembering to stay in character.

Roy shrugged. "The person in the role of enchanter is required to make explosions," he said in his normal voice. "The narrator had a choice between me and Zolf Kimbley. She decided to go with me and let FullMetal play king for a while."

"Ah," Sir Breda said as understanding dawned. There was a general nodding of heads and approval of the narrator's wise decision in this regard. Nobody wanted that psycho Kimbley around. He'd be more inclined to blow up _them_ instead of harmless rocks.

"Right," said King Ed, "anyway, greetings Roy the Enchanter."

"Greetings King Ed!" Roy replied, his accent once again wandering off to places unknown.

"You know my name?" King Ed asked in surprise.

"No shit Fullmetal. I've only known you since you were eleven after all," Roy the Enchanter said sarcastically, missing Ed's frantic mouthing of '_stay in character! The narrator! Don't anger the narrator!'_

**Ahem, **said the narrator, appearing behind Roy and looming angrily.

_You can't loom. You're only five foot six! Mustang's at least five' eleven''._

**Shut up Hohenheim!**

"You seek the philosopher's stone!" Roy the Enchanter announced, swiftly getting back into character while the narrator was distracted.

"That is our quest," King Ed replied. "You know much that is hidden, O Roy."

"Quite," Roy the Enchanter said, defiantly holding onto his sarcasm. This made the narrator briefly halt in her quest to kick Hohenheim in the shin for being so bloody tall and glance in his direction, whereupon Roy blew a piece of the mountain off in a rather impressive explosion. The knights, duly impressed, applauded. Verily though, the expression on the face of King Ed was one that suggested he wished to say 'showoff' in a disparaging tone of voice.

"Yes," King Ed said. "We are looking for the holy. . . I mean, the philosopher's stone. Our quest is to find the philosopher's stone."

"Yes, it is," echoed the knights, Sir Alphonse the Armored, Sir Fuery the Timid, Sir Breda the Fat, Sir Falman of the Ambiguous Age Due To His Hair Colour and Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker.

Roy the Enchanter made no reply.

"And so we're looking for it," King Ed tried again.

"Yes," the knights repeated.

"We have been for some time," added Sir Alphonse.

"Ages," King Ed confirmed.

Roy the Enchanter gazed penetratingly at them, but otherwise made no reply.

"So," King Ed continued, starting to get irritated, "anything you could do to help would be. . . very. . .uh, helpful." The knights looked at Roy the Enchanter hopefully.

"Not that you would," King Ed muttered sotto voce, temporarily breaking character. "Could've told us you used philosophers stones in Ishbal straight away, but oh no. You had to send us on wild goose chases and prolonged Al's stint suffering almost total sensory deprivation for three bloody years. I should report you to the UN convention of human rights, I should."

Roy the Enchanter looked insulted. "Wait a minute, the narrator mentioned Xerxes at the beginning. That means we're manga based. Therefore your argument is invalid. I did no such thing."

"Huh?" quoth King Ed, mightily confused. "I'm sure the narrator said animé based. I distinctly remember it."

"She said new animé Brother," interjected Sir Alphonse the Armoured. "You know, the one Funimation added the word Brotherhood to, so that it could be distinguished from the previous one. It's manga based, so there were no Stones used in Ishbal except Kimbley's and the Colonel doesn't get promoted or lose an eye."

"No," Roy the Enchanter said sulkily, "I only get b-"

**Shut up Mustang! Spoilers!**

Rebuked by the narrator, Roy the Enchanter continued to sulk in silence.

"Badass!" said King Ed happily, pleased by this fortuitous news. "That means I have new cooler automail!"

"And you're back to being fifteen and short," Roy the Enchanter added smugly, perking up a little. And verily there was a scream of rage from King Ed and his knights were obliged to stop him from attempting to strangle Roy the Enchanter.

**Could we stop discussing manga vs animé and get back to the scene?! Focus, people!** the narrator implored as the King Ed briefly escaped from his knights and sent a transmuted stone fist flying at Roy the Enchanter's head.

_Yes! Get on with it!_

**Shut up Hohenheim!**

* * *

The insanity continues.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist

* * *

And so it came to pass that King Ed and his brave knights, guided by Roy the Enchanter, approached the cave of Caerbannog, wherein dwelt a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lay strewn about it's lair! Death awaited all those who approached it, with nasty big pointy teeth!

Er, according to Roy the Enchanter anyway. But he was kind of weird, what with his accent going all over the place at odd times, so King Ed and his knights were a little bit dubious about the veracity of his claims.

"Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!" Roy the Enchanter proclaimed in a whisper. (Which is quite hard to do actually. When proclaiming things, the natural instinct is to be loud. But then, Roy the Enchanter is, well, an enchanter, and they have access to strange powers and unnatural abilities. Best not to think about it too hard really.)

_Get on with it!_

**Oh for the love of- Shut up Hohenheim!**

_No._

**Aargh! You- you- you are such a- Oh, just get lost!**

_Anyway, _King Ed and his Knights slowly and cautiously approached the cave and hid behind some Convenient Boulders. The ground around the mouth of the cave was indeed strewn with bones. The knights looked at it nervously.

"Right," King Ed said, getting up to approach the cave. "Keep me covered!" he ordered.

"What with?" asked Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker.

"Just keep me covered!" King Ed growled, muttering: "_What. With. _Honestly! _That_ is a highly trained professional soldier?" under his breath, as he stood.

"Too late!" Roy the Enchanter hissed, pulling King Ed back.

_Jarring scare chord!_

**Oh for- Hohenheim! Put that instrument away! **

"There it is!" Roy the Enchanter hissed. As he spoke, an odd looking little boy appeared at the mouth of the cave. He had pale skin, long uncombed hair, purple eyes, and his right arm and left leg were curiously more human looking than the rest of his body.

"Where?" King Ed demanded, looking around sharply for the 'vicious foul creature with nasty big pointy teeth'.

"There!" Roy the Enchanter hissed again, pointing at the boy.

"Wait a minute," Sir Alphonse the Armoured said. "That's animé Wrath. I thought we were manga based?"

**Kind've a mixture really. Besides, this idea spawned when I watched Monty Python after Conqueror of Shamballa, remember?**

"Oh yeah," King Ed said, nodding. He grinned at Roy the Enchanter. "Looks like you'll be wearing the eyepatch after all."

Roy the Enchanter covered his eye protectively. "I am _not_ wearing the eyepatch! Got that?"

**Oh all right. Shame though. The Fangirls thought it looked sexy.**

"Normally that would be fine. Great, even," Roy the Enchanter admitted. "But right now, Riza isn't around to protect me from the more rabid ones. I don't want to get caught by a Swarm."

There was a collective shudder from the knights and King Ed let out an agonised whimper as he recalled a particularly traumatising experience with a Fangirl Swarm. "So. Many. Glomps. _So. Many."_

**Get a grip Ed. You need to continue the scene.**

_Yes. Get on with it!_

**Hohenheim! One more word out of you and I swear I'll-**

_Get on with it?_

**Aargh!! **

King Ed was shaken out of his traumatised flashback by the sight of the narrator attempting to viciously murder Hohenheim by bludgeoning him to death with her laptop. However it took some fast talking on Sir Alphonse's part to persuade him to get on with the scene instead of sending one of his knights to get popcorn and some folding chairs.

After clearing his throat and shaking out his limbs King Ed duly said "What. . . behind the little kid?" in a confused tone.

"It _is_ the little kid!" Roy the Enchanter said in a terrified tone.

"You silly sod!" King Ed shouted, (the look on his face suggesting that he was enjoying his lines immensely). "You got us all worked up for nothing!"

"That's no ordinary rab- er little kid," Roy the Enchanter declared. "That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered little kid you ever set eyes on!"

"You jerk!" Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker said. "I soiled my armour I was so scared!"

There was much snickering from the other knights. Sir Havoc glared. "It's the script," he snapped. "I had to say it, so shut up!"

The snickering did not abate and Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker began to sulk and mutter under his breath.

_Get on with it!_ Hohenheim yelled, having temporarily escaped the narrator. The assembled cast turned towards her and she nodded wearily. **He's got a point this time. Get a move on.**

"Right," Roy the Enchanter said, clearing his throat. "He's a got a vicious streak a mile wide!" he ranted, once again developing a bizarre accent quite at odds with his normal voice. "It's a killer!"

"Get stuffed," said Sir Breda the Fat.

"It'll do you up a treat," Roy the Enchanter told him, looking happy at this prospect.

"You manky Caledonian sounding git!" Sir Havoc the Chain Smoker said with a glare.

"I'm warning you-" Roy the Enchanter started to say.

"What's he do?" Sir Havoc asked scornfully (while performing truly impressive sign-language, that when translated spelled 'Please don't kill me later Colonel!'). "Bite your ankles?"

"He's got huge sharp- He can leap about-" Roy the Enchanter said, floundering somewhat.

The knights shook their heads in an extremely condescending fashion. 'Manky Scots-- er _Caledonian _git' they thought. (While simultaneously praying that a certain Flame Alchemist would not take burn-y revenge later. Burn-y revenge hurts much more than bloody revenge. That's an important fact kids!)

"Look at all the bones!" Roy the Enchanter protested.

"Actually," Sir Falman of the Ambiguous Age Due To His Hair Colour said, "those look like cattle bones."

"After all," King Ed agreed caustically, "let's not forget, we're talking to the man who couldn't distinguish between a human femur buried by a grisly murderer and chicken bone buried by Hawkeye's dog!"

Roy the Enchanter glared at the assembled knights. "Alright, I_ know_ Fullmetal wasn't around when that little debacle happened. So _who_ told him about it? "

There was no answer from the knights, so Roy the Enchanter gestured pointedly with his Enchanter's Staff(tm). Flames burst from the end of it. In unison the knights pointed at Sir Breda the Fat, who grinned nervously and started edging away from the staff. "Ah, we should be getting on with the scene right?" he asked.

King Ed nodded. "Yep," he agreed. "Leave Breda alone, Enchanter Bastard. Broche, go fight the little kid."

"Right," Sir Broche the Only Appearing To Get Brutally Slain agreed, drawing his sword and advancing towards the rabbi- I mean, the weird little kid.

Seconds later, carnage. Sir Broche's throat bitten open by a faster than light moving kid and blood all over the place.

_Looks like red paint to me!_

**Shut. Up. Hohenheim.**

"Bloody Hell!" King Ed shouted.

"I warned you," Roy the Enchanter said, a smug smirk on his face and his voice back to normal superior 'Colonel' tone. "But did you listen to me? Oh no, you knew it all, didn't you? Aw, it's only a harmless little kid isn't it? Well it's always the same, I always tell you-"

"Oh shut up!!" interrupted King Ed, looking mightily pissed off. "Right!" he yelled. "Charge!"

**Mustang? **the narrator asked, while King Ed and the Knights were busy charging.

"Yes?"

**Where did the Enchanter accent go? Hmm?**

"Do I have to keep doing the stupid accent?" Roy the Enchanter whined as the Killer-Weird-Looking-Kid-Of-Caerbannog proceeded to beat the crap out of the knights.

**Yes. It's either that or the eyepatch.**

"Oh fine," Roy the Enchanter sulked as the carnage continued.

"Run away!" King Ed yelled, as he narrowly avoided a stone fist to the face.

"Run away! Run away!" yelled the other knights, running for their lives back over to the Convenient Boulders.

Roy the Enchanter smirked. By the way," he asked the narrator idly once King Ed and all the knights had returned, "if this is a King Arthur legend, is Guinevere going to appear in this story?"

King Ed went bright red. Roy the Enchanter's smirk grew wider.

**She was going to, **the narrator answered, **but Winry said a client called suddenly and Rosé couldn't get a babysitter on short notice.**

"W-What about the Lieutenant?" Sir Furey the Timid suggested.

**She refused to be the potential romantic partner of someone younger than twenty. **

"You could always make me King again instead of Fullmetal," Roy the Enchanter suggested with a slight smirk. "That takes care of the objection, no?"

**I already thought of that, but when I mentioned it to Hawkeye, she muttered something about paperwork and her eye started to twitch. **

"Ah. Never mind," Roy the Enchanter said hastily. "Let's just leave Guinevere out of it, shall we?"

**Yes. Let's.**

_Get on with it!_

**_Die die die!_**

"I think she's really going to kill him this time," King Ed said thoughtfully. "Somebody get me some popcorn."

* * *

Ed was originally going to be the Killer Shrimp, but I think this works better.


End file.
